I Got 99 Problems, but Beer Ain't One

Independence Day was this past week and in my house, it was celebrated with a day off of work and not much else.  Boyfriend and I hosted a cookout on Saturday, July 5th (you know our founding fathers were still partying it up the next day), but we did not have much to do on actual Independence Day; therefore, I took the opportunity to celebrate my freedom to drink beer at noon by lunching with Stemstar at 99 Bottles in Carnegie.

99 Bottles is a bar, restaurant and bottle shop housed in a former Pizza Hut along Washington Avenue.  While the outside of the restaurant seems like nothing special, the inside is full of 500 types of beer, including 30 on draft, growlers, and liquor options, as well.  

I had visited 99 Bottles once before with co-workers for a happy hour and could tell instantly that this was a great spot for a relaxed drink and above average bar food.  In addition to a dining room, 99 Bottles has a patio and outside bar.  As it is positioned along a busy Carnegie roadway, things can get a little loud on the patio, but music is filtered outside to take away some of that traffic noise.  

On the Fourth of July, Stemstar and I met up at 99 Bottles for lunch and a cold beer.  I arrived a few minutes early and asked the bartender what options on draft could be defined as "summery." She immediately recommended DuClaw Brewing Company's Morgazm, a citrusy blonde ale offering a crisp taste and a smooth finish, with hints of grape fruit.  Her recommendation was fantastic and Morgazm proved to be exactly what I was looking for in a beer.  All of the staff members at 99 Bottles are friendly and eager to assist customers.

99 Bottles is self-seating, so I found a spot on the patio and enjoyed the sunny weather.  Stemstar arrived soon after and we ventured back to the bar to order our meals, as is standard practice.  99 Bottles's menu is full of normal bar fare, including burgers, fried appetizers and wings; however, they also offer BBQ and a glorious little number called the Hibernator, a deep-fried grilled cheese sandwich filled with bacon and (wait for it) macaroni and cheese, instead of sliced cheese.  I had this sandwich on my first visit to 99 Bottles and recommended it highly to Stemstar. 

To start, we ordered fried provolone cheese wedges from the menu's munchies section.  They were deliciously crispy and gooey, served with a side of marinara dipping sauce.  I always think that fried cheese is the perfect way to begin any meal and this appetizer did not disappoint,  

For our meals, Stemstar ordered the famed Hibernator with a side of 99 Bottles's awesomely seasoned French (shall we say Freedom) fries.  Stemstar thoroughly enjoyed his carb coma sandwich, as I had a week prior, and had no issues polishing off his meal.  

While I strongly considered revisiting the Hibernator, I decided that some Independence Day BBQ was in order and I decided upon the Smokehouse Fries.  This dish consisted of 99 Bottles's deliciously seasoned fries covered in your choice of BBQ chicken, pork or brisket.  I opted for the chicken and requested the spicy BBQ sauce smothered with cheddar cheese. 

The basket of fries was more than enough and I took a large portion home with me for munching later. After our meals, Stemstar and I each purchased mix-and-match six packs from the expansive beer cooler inside the restaurant. I opted for several fruity and summery beers to enjoy the remainder of the holiday weekend.

Both Stemstar and I enjoyed our meals immensely and I know that I look forward to making 99 Bottles my go-to for a relaxed drink with friends or for random holiday meals, as with the Fourth of July.  It was a day to celebrate the many perks of being American, like our freedom, our brotherhood as a country, and our repeal of the 18th Amendment.  Go USA. Go beer.

Flashbacks

When I was in seventh grade, I played the clarinet and was selected to participate in an honors band comprised of students from neighboring school districts.  The performance was cause for a new outfit worthy of a star clarinet player, so one Saturday, my mom and I went shopping.  We stopped first at Monroeville's Park Diner, owned by Eat 'n Park, and enjoyed bacon cheese burgers, fries and cherry cokes.

Approximately 30 minutes later, I was doubled over in a JC Penney dressing room with pain in my stomach similar to what I can only assume being stabbed repeatedly with a samurai sword feels like.  My mom and I hurriedly found the nearest restroom, where I threw up everything that I had eaten since the age of three.  At the time, it was horrifying, but the tale eventually became just another anecdote in the series of inappropriate places that I've vomited.  

I vowed never to return to Park Diner and managed to avoid those stomach pains for the next 13 years... Until last night.

As I mentioned previously, Boyfriend and I are obsessed with O'Fallon Brewery's Cherry Chocolate beer.  Unfortunately, it is seasonal and most distributors in Pittsburgh no longer carry it; however, we found the last two remaining cases being held at a distributor in the Squirrell Hill/Homestead area.  We decided that since we were going to be in the area, it would be a good evening to stop for dinner and beer at Hough's, a bar-restaurant in Pittsburgh's Greenfield neighborhood with an amazing beer selection.  Hough's features 70 beers on draft and has even more bottled offerings, plus your typical bar food.  I'd been there once before, but only had drinks, while Boyfriend had never been there before.  We were feeling some burgers, so Boyfriend and I made it our mission to enjoy some great burgers and plentiful beer.

We came upon Greenfield Avenue and saw Hough's.... But absolutely no parking.  We circled for seemingly ages until we finally found a spot a few blocks away.  It's hard to imagine living in an area with such limited parking.

We walked into noisy Hough's, which was surprisingly bustling for 7:30 p.m. We expected that the crowds wouldn't build until later and there wasn't a vacant tabletop in sight.  It was not clear if we were to seat ourselves or wait for a hostess, so Boyfriend circled the place for a free table, while I creepily mean-mugged a nearby table full of people who gave the illusion of leaving soon, but to no avail.

We eventually gave in to sitting at the packed bar and reviewed the extensive draft list.  My eyes immediately zeroed in on Southern Tier's Creme Brûlée milk stout, which I hadn't had since fall and have been missing.  I ordered that, while boyfriend ordered two sample sizes of a chocolate stout and a pineapple wheat beer.  Before our beers arrived, a table cleared and Boyfriend pushed and shoved his way over to claim it as our own.  We set up there and put in an order of soft pretzels while we scoured the menu.  

Our server seemed a bit frenzied, and honestly, I couldn't blame her, as the bar was packed; however, I won't accept that as an excuse to offer shoddy service.  She never introduced herself, so I have no clue what her name was, and she had a habit of rapidly taking empty glasses without bothering to ask if we wanted another, then just disappearing.  We had to be the ones to ask her for another beer, which I found obnoxious.  

The soft pretzels were crispy and served with beer cheese and ground mustard.  I liked the pretzels and we had no problem polishing off the cup of beer cheese.  For dinner, both Boyfriend and I settled on bacon cheeseburgers and opted for tator tots, rather than standard fries.  I ordered another Creme Brûlée, feeling hopeful that things would get better as dinner continued.

At this point, Boyfriend was ready for two more sample beers and flagged down our server to put in his request.  She was carrying a stack of dirty plates, so Boyfriend politely said "when you have a moment, I'd like to order more beer." She then PUT THE DIRTY PLATES ON OUR TABLE to take his order.  My eyes must have bulged out of my head as she said "no, no, I can get them now," and put the remnants of other people's dinner next to my water glass.  I bit my tongue while Boyfriend placed his order, but he could feel the repulsion that was emanating from my every pore.  He tried to find positive aspects of our server, but as far as I could tell, Boyfriend only liked her because she was very smiley ONLY when she talked to him.

Eventually, our food was delivered and we eagerly began to devour our burgers and tots.  

The burger and tots looked good.  They really did.  I hadn't had tots in such a long time, so I was pleased with the crispy little bits of potatoes from childhood and the kitchen gave us a hefty amount.  Then I tried my burger.  The menu-promoted "secret sauce" tasted like thousand island dressing poured from an economy sized tub and the meat had absolutely no seasoning.  It was a bland hunk of cow on a semi-decent bun with chewy bacon.  

Both Boyfriend and I ordered our burgers cooked medium, but we both received well-done, which I honestly didn't even notice until Boyfriend pointed it out.  I was too distracted by everything else wrong about this burger.  I choked down half of it and was slowly turning nauseated.  I kept noticing other upsetting things about the restaurant, like the fact that I could see into the kitchen from our table and it looked filthy, and how every time our server wanted to take a plate or refill a glass, she reached right across my face to the point that I could have bitten her elbow.  

Boyfriend ate most of his burger, but wasn't impressed with the lack of flavor. He was just hungry.  My food was boxed up, even though I knew that I'd never eat it again and wouldn't even offer it to my dogs.  We left and had plans to meet up for a friend's birthday party closer to home, but as we drove through Pittsburgh, I knew we wouldn't be making the party.  The stabbing pain from seventh grade returned and it was pissed.  I sat in silence with a grimace on my face while boyfriend drove as quickly as possible without crashing.  We pulled in the driveway, I got out and walked quickly to the bathroom, where I proceded to vomit everything I've eaten since seventh grade after the Park Diner incident.  

In each of these instances, I was the only one nauseated by the food, so perhaps my digestive system is especially sensitive. Or perhaps my digestive system is just especially sensitive to crappy burgers.  Either way, I can say with confidence that Hough's has earned itself a spot right next to Park Diner on my list of places never to eat again.  I'd go back for drinks only, but will favor restaurants that take more pride in their cuisine instead of focusing solely on their beer selection.  

So, Hough's, kudos to you for your beer selection, but for the love of everything that is holy... Call Chef Irvine, get yourselves on Restaurant Impossible, and let him hire you a new cook.

 

We May Never Know...

Both Boyfriend and I are off of work until Monday and decided to begin our Louis and Clark exploration of Pittsburgh's eateries early.  Boyfriend requested a "good burger" for our dinner, so naturally, I executed a "best burger in Pittsburgh" search on Google. 

Luckily, WPXI had already thought of this for us and conducted a contest in February 2013.  Fox Chapel's Burgatory was crowned the victor in this particular contest. As we are already avid fans of the Create Your Own Burger joint with a plentiful draft list, we opted for the third place winner, Bubba's Gourmet Burghers and Beer. 

Bubba's is located in Bridgeville, Pa and is owned by its namesake, the Star 100.7 radio personality.  Going into this, I should have known better, considering the minute the music stops on 100.7 and the DJ speaks, I switch stations. But, we wanted a new place to visit for delicious burgers and decided to give it a try.

While approaching the restaurant, we noticed that, aside from a mob of children and parents preparing to leave, the place was not too crowded.  We opened the door and immediately looked at one another with concern. 

Running the length of the bar were several televisions showing some sporting event that I didn't care about. Considering Bubba's is a sports bar, I was neither surprised nor bothered by this; however, the volume was absurdly loud. I mean ABSURDLY loud. 

We were informed by the bartender that we would have about a 10 to 15 minute wait for a table, so we happily took seats at the bar to enjoy  a beer.... Until we noticed that only two beers were featured on draft and both were Sam Adams. Perhaps Bubba's should strip the "beer" part of their title. There was no bottle list either, so we assumed that the bartender could help. 

After about ten minutes of being ignored by said bartender, we were finally asked if we wanted a drink. Having never tried Sam Adams Old Fezziwig, I asked her to describe it for me. She stared at me, said she never had it, and said "I don't know... It's a holiday beer," before waltzing off to help her regulars. At least I think that's what she said, but I can't be sure since my hearing will forever be impaired from the loudest football game ever. She finally came back and provided a sample of Old Fezziwig. We ordered two and watched the bartender juggle several customers, while another employee stood at the end of the bar laughing. 

Although I was annoyed at her lack of positive customer service, I did feel sorry for the bartender, as it seems that Bubba's is severely understaffed, despite the fact that it wasn't that busy. We toyed with the idea of ordering an appetizer while I searched for another place to eat online. After the 50th time of Boyfriend saying something and my answering him with "huh?! I can't hear you," we paid for our beers and hightailed it out of there toward Burgatory. 

Does Bubba's have beer? Yes, but the selection was sparse. Does Bubba's have good burgers? Unfortunately, we'll never know, but I will attest that Burgatory has both, which is why it was voted supreme. Lesson learned. Third place is still a loser.

 

This Is The Beginning

It is almost 2014 and you know what that means. In five short days, all of America will vow to begin the new year with a healthy outlook and lifestyle changes. My gym is inundated with new members who hog machines, forget to wipe their sweat from the stationary bikes and try to strike up friendly conversation (note: the scowling girl wearing ear buds and avoiding eye contact on the machine next door DOES NOT want to talk to you). This usually lasts until mid-February until everyone gets lazy again, but I digress.

In typical and stereotypical fashion, I will also be promising myself a healthier and happier 2014... And I'm taking Boyfriend with me.

There is, however, a loophole.  Boyfriend and I are terrible at getting off our butts and doing things. Sure, we work, go to the gym, grocery shop and see the occasional movie; however, we fail at venturing into the social sphere and engaging in our city's vast culture.

The city of Pittsburgh offers a lot in terms of arts, entertainment and cuisine. We've decided to explore the cuisine side of things in 2014 by choosing a new restaurant every other Saturday, feasting to our hearts' contents and sharing our experience with you fine people. We are allowing a bi-weekly pig-out session in the name of culture and Pittsburgh appreciation. You're welcome.

I will, of course, update you during the week on homemade dinners, life happenings and the general shenanigans that come when you live with two massive beast dogs, two cats and one other person who does not share your affinity for cleaning.

So, before the show can formally begin, I'd like to wish you a fabulous almost 2014; I look forward to fully experiencing my city and bringing you along for the ride. Let's go!